Mm, that's fine. If it's embarrassing, we'll have to decide how many people we tell.
[he's just teasing though,,
regardless higekiri will just think about that before tilting his head]
Oh? Did I catch Wukiri too early? [he's presuming that's who it is because hiza would've already said something otherwise probably] But I suppose that's fine. There's only a few people left that it could be distributed to.
[but wow junpei sure has,, a habit of seeing people right before they fucking die doesn't he,,]
Hm...? Why would they be upset about that? You all have rules that prevent you from speaking... no? It would be worse if you were punished for speaking too freely too often. The marks that were received from loose tongues did not look comfortable.
...but he just. Laughs.] We both did. I think that's why he came to me as soon as he could on Monday. I still don't exactly know what his role does and I was too tired of guessing the title to ask more. I'll see if I can learn later.
[HE. DOES. Which I didn't realize until you pointed it out but. Haha!]
I get why it feels shady and underhanded to be telling other people things but not others...other things. There are rules, and I can't outright tell people why I'm asking about the roles. But...I told the people I'm working with about everyone I'd learned about. That information spread to uninvolved people, and other people got hurt. Some people hinted things to me and I told the people that needed to know so they could loop each other in.
[...there's an uncertain look as he just kind of stares blankly ahead.] I'm trying to help in the way I know how to, but maybe I've been doing this wrong. You know? Shiraishi's message had a point about mistrust, but...I wanted to try and keep everyone with roles safe and alive.
listening to the explanation and will pause then, blinking.]
... It's not your fault, you know?
[he says this rather plainly, because he thinks that he can hear the way that junpei is starting to feel compromised, struggling underneath the pressure of everyone else's expectations]
I don't think there is a way to do this right or wrong aside from protecting yourself, and protecting the people that you need to. Even if some people's feelings were hurt, it is better for them to be alive rather than happy for the time being. You can say your apologies later.
Even so... do you find that it's harder to work with them now? Is that your new struggle? Finding the balance between safety and trust?
...I'm trying not to, but there are people I'm definitely not sharing with now because I figure they'll find out one way or another. [He's petty sometimes. But he pauses.] There are people here I'll work with, people that I trust, and people that I care about probably more than I'll ever be able to tell them because it's not fair to them. Those are the people I worry about the most, and...I prioritize their safety and trust more than others.
In some timelines, I've done some things that others might consider wrong even though it was a defensive move to keep me and Akane alive. In other timelines, I've been betrayed by my own teammates. And with so many people telling me that I'm someone they can trust and to lead everybody to a solution and to not become a liability...what else am I supposed to do?
So in a way it's another defensive move. Earning everyone's trust and keeping them at arm's length to make sure that I can guide everybody the way we need to in order to get out of here. Maybe that makes me a huge liar. I don't know.
I don't think your sincerity, and your desires are a lie. I think that you want to keep everyone alive and therefore that is your greatest wish. It's not a bad one.
Those who fault you for it will simply have to find their own way and it is not your fault that you are not old enough to be a seasoned martyr who might be able to guide them no matter the personal cost to yourself.
What you're doing isn't wrong, Junpei. Perhaps take it from someone who has seen too many faults from humanity.
[...well. Some people think it is, but that's neither here nor there.]
I don't really want to be a martyr though. I just want to get everyone out of here...including people who don't have other options after this. [Which is sort of the same. But...there's a faint grin.] Sometimes I forget how old you really are. How do you fix the faults of humanity from repeating though?
Good, good. Avoiding martyrdom and recognizing its faults is an excellent start, you know? Too many people fall into the trap of it... So remember to be a little selfish sometimes, so that you do not become one of them.
[though at the question, higekiri seems to think for a moment]
.... I do not always know. Our mission often involves making sure that humanity repeats those same mistakes, so that they might not alter the future...
Yet even so - I think they are best addressed by conversations like this. Ones of honesty, and trust. But not all relationships look the same, and not all honesty and trust are received in the same way.
...I had a similar conversation with Shiraishi not that long ago. About the different levels of trust you can have in a person, and how to perceive who you can trust and be honest with. It's a question I still ask myself regularly, I think, even though the whole point of the game is to trust.
I don't mind being a little selfish some days. [It's just...hard to know when.] Do you ever feel like your missions conflicts with what we're supposed to do here? We're meant to fix the mistakes of the first group, not repeat them.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[he's just teasing though,,
regardless higekiri will just think about that before tilting his head]
Oh? Did I catch Wukiri too early? [he's presuming that's who it is because hiza would've already said something otherwise probably] But I suppose that's fine. There's only a few people left that it could be distributed to.
[but wow junpei sure has,, a habit of seeing people right before they fucking die doesn't he,,]
Hm...? Why would they be upset about that? You all have rules that prevent you from speaking... no? It would be worse if you were punished for speaking too freely too often. The marks that were received from loose tongues did not look comfortable.
no subject
...but he just. Laughs.] We both did. I think that's why he came to me as soon as he could on Monday. I still don't exactly know what his role does and I was too tired of guessing the title to ask more. I'll see if I can learn later.
[HE. DOES. Which I didn't realize until you pointed it out but. Haha!]
I get why it feels shady and underhanded to be telling other people things but not others...other things. There are rules, and I can't outright tell people why I'm asking about the roles. But...I told the people I'm working with about everyone I'd learned about. That information spread to uninvolved people, and other people got hurt. Some people hinted things to me and I told the people that needed to know so they could loop each other in.
[...there's an uncertain look as he just kind of stares blankly ahead.] I'm trying to help in the way I know how to, but maybe I've been doing this wrong. You know? Shiraishi's message had a point about mistrust, but...I wanted to try and keep everyone with roles safe and alive.
no subject
listening to the explanation and will pause then, blinking.]
... It's not your fault, you know?
[he says this rather plainly, because he thinks that he can hear the way that junpei is starting to feel compromised, struggling underneath the pressure of everyone else's expectations]
I don't think there is a way to do this right or wrong aside from protecting yourself, and protecting the people that you need to. Even if some people's feelings were hurt, it is better for them to be alive rather than happy for the time being. You can say your apologies later.
Even so... do you find that it's harder to work with them now? Is that your new struggle? Finding the balance between safety and trust?
no subject
In some timelines, I've done some things that others might consider wrong even though it was a defensive move to keep me and Akane alive. In other timelines, I've been betrayed by my own teammates. And with so many people telling me that I'm someone they can trust and to lead everybody to a solution and to not become a liability...what else am I supposed to do?
So in a way it's another defensive move. Earning everyone's trust and keeping them at arm's length to make sure that I can guide everybody the way we need to in order to get out of here. Maybe that makes me a huge liar. I don't know.
no subject
I don't think your sincerity, and your desires are a lie. I think that you want to keep everyone alive and therefore that is your greatest wish. It's not a bad one.
Those who fault you for it will simply have to find their own way and it is not your fault that you are not old enough to be a seasoned martyr who might be able to guide them no matter the personal cost to yourself.
What you're doing isn't wrong, Junpei. Perhaps take it from someone who has seen too many faults from humanity.
no subject
I don't really want to be a martyr though. I just want to get everyone out of here...including people who don't have other options after this. [Which is sort of the same. But...there's a faint grin.] Sometimes I forget how old you really are. How do you fix the faults of humanity from repeating though?
no subject
Good, good. Avoiding martyrdom and recognizing its faults is an excellent start, you know? Too many people fall into the trap of it... So remember to be a little selfish sometimes, so that you do not become one of them.
[though at the question, higekiri seems to think for a moment]
.... I do not always know. Our mission often involves making sure that humanity repeats those same mistakes, so that they might not alter the future...
Yet even so - I think they are best addressed by conversations like this. Ones of honesty, and trust. But not all relationships look the same, and not all honesty and trust are received in the same way.
no subject
I don't mind being a little selfish some days. [It's just...hard to know when.] Do you ever feel like your missions conflicts with what we're supposed to do here? We're meant to fix the mistakes of the first group, not repeat them.