Dude. [ is it possible to be both fond and exasperated, because that's dick right now. ] Rambling. If it's important enough you wanted to tell me, then tell me. [ he's not like. trying to pull his hands away, either? ] Especially since if you don't now, I'd just spend the whole time we've got left trying to figure out what you're hiding.
...I spent the entire year between the Nonary Game and the Decision Game looking for Akane. That's how I got trapped in that second game. I found out she was going to be at Dcom and kind of forced my way into the list of candidates. In one timeline of the game, I proposed to her. [...] In that same timeline, she also chose to erase my memories because the plans she had for herself fell apart. We jumped to a few different timelines after that and the idea of being with her was kinda always in the back of my head.
[But.] But like I said, that doesn't change what happened here and that I'm gonna go back remembering all of this. There are a lot of versions of myself that I remember and I'm assuming I'm the true alpha version or whatever you want to call it. [A beat.] Tamamo knows about her, and obviously so does Carlos. It wouldn't be fair not to tell you even if maybe it doesn't matter so much when it comes to how I feel about you.
[This is why he doesn't. Fucking. Tell Dick things.] ...I've known for a while and I wasn't sure what to do about it, but eventually it didn't matter. All I figured out was that you matter to me way more than I thought and I don't regret that.
[ this is... a lot. and not, at the same time? because it's an alternate timeline and it's before this mess of a cruise and it's not like dick himself didn't have his ... thing with barbara. though proposing is-- a lot more than that. it's a lot more than that, but it's not like they're even... he lets go of one of junpei's hand to run a hand through his hair. he's at least not going straight for the wing preening. ]
We're not... [ he feels unbalanced, caught flat-footed, and yet it makes so much sense. a kind of duh moment in retrospect. of course the dude's in love with akane. dick's learned enough about his life to guess as much. still. proposing's... a big deal. and dick's-- ] This ... thing between us was always going to be temporary. We've kinda got a known deadline. It's-- I mean, I, I'm glad you told me [ even if part of dick kind of wishes he'd known earlier! ha ha. ] but it's. It's fine. [ he lets out a little laugh, awkward, looking down ] Kinda wish I could say it changes how I feel about you, actually.
[ it's said lightly, like it's a joke. because now he's the idiot who feels jealous in that kind of brittle way he does when he gets the impression he's being replaced, which he hasn't felt in years, and also-- it's stupid? dick's the temporary replacement here. and even that's an unfair thought, but it's there and dick hates that this is happening when his emotions are a fucking mess because part of him is kind of in love with higekiri right now and this is the Worst Timing junpei sucks ]
[He will snap Dick's hand if he starts preening. Dick lets go of one of his hands and Junpei promptly curls it into a loose fist to make sure his hand doesn't betray any of his feelings at the moment. As it is, he settles to listen to Dick try to figure out what to say, wholly aware he has awful timing and kind of feeling like a huge asshole but what else is new? It's still something Dick needed to know, he thinks, something better said now than at the end, and yet...]
...it's probably temporary for you, yeah. [And he accepted that a while ago, just by nature of who he is as a person.] There's no guarantee people will remember anything when we leave this place, but I went into this knowing I probably would just because of the Morphogenetic Field. And even if it was temporary for us, I've spent more time having...whatever this is between us reciprocated than I've had with her. It's like I told Carlos. One day I just realized that maybe the girl I thought I knew wasn't really real at all, and I didn't know anything. But I wanted to do everything I could to make sure she wasn't bearing the weight of the world on her own shoulders.
[...] Coming here, I didn't think I'd ever feel the same way about anybody, but it's like I told Beck. I've never...had anybody else. It just never happened for me, and there were nine years between the last time Akane and I saw each other and the Nonary Game where I saved her and she ditched us in Nevada.
I don't really know what to call this thing between us, but I'm not looking at the deadline on it. I don't mind if you are. [There's a half grin.] Kinda used to being the one to care way too much. [It's also said like a joke except for the part where he's actually genuinely wondering if this is going to regress and he should've kept his mouth shut. "Good job, Junpei. You ruined another relationship trying to understand your own intense emotions." But at least he knows better than to say it out loud, and instead he turns his head for press his lips to the side of Dick's face. "Let me fix this."]
I'm not going to forget. That's not what I was saying.
[ it's snapped, a bit, because that's not what he meant. none of that is what he meant. he grabs at junpei's shirt to pull him in for a proper kiss after the cheek one, short and-- yeah, okay, angry. it's easier to go with indignant than anything else he might feel, and if there's one thing dick's tried to reign in this whole game, it's his temper, because he's not always fair with his anger. this, though? this feels justified. ]
You can't just-- tell me about the girl you proposed to back home-- in an alternate timeline, I know, I get it-- and how you've been thinking about it for weeks and then expect me not to-- what was I supposed to think, here? [ it's exasperated. ] How many times do you need me to say it, Junpei? I like you. You're... one of the main reasons I've even managed to keep sane in this place, even though the only useful things I've done are play doctor after people get themselves injured recklessly and kill someone. I didn't go along with whatever this is for fun, or because I knew it'd have to be temporary. I did because I have feelings for you despite the fact that we're on a sex demon cruise and I should really be putting the mission first.
[There it is. Like yes, okay, he's a little surprised and there's a startled sound when Dick grabs his shirt to kiss him, but it's not like he doesn't kiss back? He kisses back and pulls away to let Dick talk and...
...it's actually a response he likes because it's sort of what he was hoping for. Dick tapping into whatever the fuck's going on in his head, explaining some things and yeah, sure, maybe this was a tiny bit manipulative on his part but it's not like Dick would ever tell him on his own. Sometimes you just kind of have to push buttons.
(Sometimes you know how to get people to talk because people use these same tricks on you.)
So he lets Dick rant for a minute before he kind of grabs Dick's chin with his free hand to hold him still.]
Ever think that maybe this was part of the mission? We've been told from day one that we're supposed to trust each other and I trust you with my entire life. Alright? [And then he just. Furrows his eyebrows together to go backwards for a second.] You don't have to say it if it's really that annoying, but sorry I'm still sort of shocked someone I really like actually likes me back despite the odds here. [Sometimes! The girl you want to marry just abandons you with no explanation, evades your questions and erases your memories and makes you question emotions! It happens!
But okay, dialing it back a second, he gives him another once over.] ...is that what's eating at you right now? How useful you're being?
[ Dick lets him hold him, eyes narrowed. He doesn't answer the first part because that's insane, the mission never involves feelings you absolute fool, and because the second part is more important-- ]
Doesn't matter how annoying it is, I'll say it every day until you start believing me.
[ it's a strong declaration from team doesn't talk about feelings and hasn't put a label on their clearly dating selves yet, but then there's. hm. that, and dick wrenches his face away ]
What? It's not-- eating at me. [ not anymore than usual, at least, considering. superhero! people dying! can't do shit! ]
[Wonder if that's why Junpei keeps failing missions. Wild. Anyway he bites the inside of his cheek to choke down an argument (and also the weird flutter of happiness that's really out of place right now, holy shit, bad timing) but he lets Dick pull away.
He still has his other hand, after all, and he's hanging onto it a little tighter as a reminder.]
Bullshit it's not. [...] ...it bothers me too. Maybe not the same level it gets to you because I'm not a superhero and I never have been, but I kind of think maybe I get the idea of doing a lot but not doing enough.
You've saved a lot of people here. Including the ones you've exorcised, because none of us should have to deal with that kind of fate.
[ yeah, dick's not letting go of junpei's hand even through this, though he looks away with a sigh and a wee little wing flutter because apparently they're being the full gay during furry week. that's happening. ]
Yeah, alright. Sure. [ this is clearly the sound of someone who believes what they've just said? dick doesn't want to talk about this, is the thing, since he thinks what's bothering him is... stupid, and has thought so from the start. suck it up and get traught already, buttercup, before you end up a detriment to the mission and yourself. more than you already have been. ]
[That sure is happening. He's also not really sure what the right move is. Unfortunately for both of them, Junpei, when he feels like he can trust someone enough and when he cares enough, is a very affectionate creature even on a normal basis. He's not sure what will and won't work for Dick so...handholding it is, even if he's trying to tug him closer. Come the fuck here, idiot.]
I'll say it every day until you start believing me. [And sure, alright, it's not the same context but he's 100% serious anyway.] ...I think I told you a while ago that my head's a mess. Surprisingly it doesn't get much cleaner when I ignore it. Weird, right?
[It's not "tell me what you're thinking" or "tell me what's wrong", but it's more of a "it's probably not as bad as you think and if you want to trust me enough, I'll listen."]
[ FINE he will ACCEPT to be tugged closer so they can cuddle in this very. wild. conversation. partially because having his own words thrown back to him just make him sigh again, though this time it's at least more fond ]
I've only had the one counseling session, and it was more than enough for me. [ it's wry. ] I know... what's going on in my head. [ he kind of always does. dick tries to be self-aware, though whether he acts positively on that or not is... touch and go. ] And I know it doesn't make sense, but I-- I know I could, should be doing more than I am. But instead I'm-- causing a distraction in the middle of a murder trial.
[Listen he'll count it as a victory. Cuddling is always a win but also it means he doesn't have to exactly look at him but still be close.]
That's a start. [Knowing what's up, and not for the first time Junpei finds himself thinking about his own issues. Oh well. Away with those.] I'm going to take at least 50% of the credit for that considering I'm an expert at picking fights that nobody needs and I kinda made it worse trying to fx it. [Dryly. But...he nudges him a little.]
A lot of stuff doesn't make sense but that doesn't stop it from, like...being a thing. But...humor me a sec. What do you think you should be doing? What is "more" in this case?
[ that's all dick says on that, because he knows if junpei hadn't stepped in dick would've snapped himself. doesn't mean he likes thinking about it. ]
Figuring things out? [ it's vague, because it's hard to explain. ] We're six weeks in and I'm not anywhere closer to finding a solution to anything. Haven't got a plan of action, either. This whole time, I've just been-- reacting.
[It's almost amusing that they're on the same page that way and reacting differently, but he keeps that to himself. Instead, he hums in agreement because he's also not stupid enough to say he absolutely gets what Dick is thinking. Sympathize, yes. 100% understand, no, because those are his thoughts and his alone.]
Don't know if you've noticed, but I'm sort of running without a plan either. [Which is pissing him off, and in a few days time in the future of this thread he goes on a rant about it.] This is the longest I've ever stayed trapped in a game like this and it feels like it's a lot of the blind leading the blind. What makes it that you, Dick Grayson, have to be the one person to figure out the solution?
[ dick doesn't have to pull back to give junpei a look if he just swats him lightly with a wing. pot, kettle. but he doesn't call him out on it verbally otherwise, just. shrugs. ]
You said it yourself. Superhero. I've worked my whole life to help people. I've trained for this stuff.
[He swats back with a hand despite not having claws. God they're still holding hands I hate them.]
Okay, and...? [Like.] Not to discredit that because I get that, but we're kind of in a place where a bunch of us are used to bailing ourselves out and saving other people. It doesn't have to just be you, idiot. [Maybe don't call your ??? an idiot out loud.] So tell me again. Why does it have to be you specifically?
I said I know it doesn't make sense. [ that's snapped again, and this time he does pull away to glare at junpei a bit. while still holding his hand shut up. ] Fine, it's not all on me-- doesn't change the fact that I haven't done anything to help with it.
[ woops, regressed a bit there from "A few" to "nothing" ]
Hey. [It's not really yelling or even sharp but it's firm and a way to point out that this answer isn't much better.] That wasn't the point I was trying to make, Dick, come on.
Do I need to remind you that you literally finished a mission that the last group died trying to complete? And brought us the still-beating heart? And brought people back unharmed? I wouldn't call your break-ins and keeping us on track and backing me up every step of the way doing nothing when it comes to getting us out of here. But maybe that's just me.
[...he sighs a little, rolling his eyes toward the ceiling.] ...I get that me saying it isn't going to change how you think about it because you're difficult like that, but...I wanted you to know anyway. Alright?
[ it's frustrating to be on this subject-- because he didn't want to be in the first place, and because it's not something dick knows how to put into words. he's disappointed in himself and acutely aware he can be better than he has been. there's no why. he knows. but he also knows he's been nothing but fraying edges this whole game, and that everyone's aware of it. and he-- hates it. dick looks down at their hands. ]
... I know. That's not what I meant. [ it's what he said but it's not what he meant. shut up. ] Look, it's stupid. We don't have to keep talking about it.
[...they probably should maybe keep trying to talk about it, but Junpei's exhausted most of his emotional energy for the moment and he's pretty sure it'll just keep going in circles until they're both mad anyway. So instead he pulls again to try and bring Dick closer even still, if that's even possible.]
...if you really want to drop it, fine, we can do that. But don't drop it because you think I don't want to talk about it. [There's a shrug.] I like difficult. [Dick is just a very different breed of difficult but it's fine, he's already invested enough.]
[ it is possible, but only because dick had pulled away a little earlier, so there they go back to full on cuddles i guess. gay. ]
Think I've made it obvious I don't want to talk about it. [ it's dry, because again: self-aware, just. not always great at doing anything about it. though for the other part... ] And you don't get to call me difficult, you're as bad as I am.
[ fucking alternate timeline fiancee dick's still dying over it ]
[Shut the fuck up and take your cuddles you dumbass bat.]
Yeah, I got that. [This is to both statements, and he's officially dropping the subject even though that's going to stick in the back of his head for a while.] You still like me anyway so what the hell does that say about us?
[Listen. Sometimes you desperately love someone and then discover the poly life because you have enough self-awareness to recognize your feelings for someone else. It happens.]
I like my exes too much to say we've got bad taste. [ that's the only reason, he's not joking about it, ] Guess it says we like making life harder on ourselves.
[ absolutely no one should be surprised by this conclusion? which is why dick just. kisses him, though it's light and quick ]
[He's about to question about those exes, vaguely remembering that Dick definitely dated a magician at some point, but he doesn't really argue because maybe the better idea is to return that kiss.]
Probably. [There's another kiss but he doesn't try to turn it into anything heavier because he's content this way. Gay x2.] Worth it though.
[ it's maybe a good plan because junpei is already a jealous baby right now. either way, he laughs a bit at his conclusion, though that one's light as he looks at him fondly ]
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...I spent the entire year between the Nonary Game and the Decision Game looking for Akane. That's how I got trapped in that second game. I found out she was going to be at Dcom and kind of forced my way into the list of candidates. In one timeline of the game, I proposed to her. [...] In that same timeline, she also chose to erase my memories because the plans she had for herself fell apart. We jumped to a few different timelines after that and the idea of being with her was kinda always in the back of my head.
[But.] But like I said, that doesn't change what happened here and that I'm gonna go back remembering all of this. There are a lot of versions of myself that I remember and I'm assuming I'm the true alpha version or whatever you want to call it. [A beat.] Tamamo knows about her, and obviously so does Carlos. It wouldn't be fair not to tell you even if maybe it doesn't matter so much when it comes to how I feel about you.
[This is why he doesn't. Fucking. Tell Dick things.] ...I've known for a while and I wasn't sure what to do about it, but eventually it didn't matter. All I figured out was that you matter to me way more than I thought and I don't regret that.
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We're not... [ he feels unbalanced, caught flat-footed, and yet it makes so much sense. a kind of duh moment in retrospect. of course the dude's in love with akane. dick's learned enough about his life to guess as much. still. proposing's... a big deal. and dick's-- ] This ... thing between us was always going to be temporary. We've kinda got a known deadline. It's-- I mean, I, I'm glad you told me [ even if part of dick kind of wishes he'd known earlier! ha ha. ] but it's. It's fine. [ he lets out a little laugh, awkward, looking down ] Kinda wish I could say it changes how I feel about you, actually.
[ it's said lightly, like it's a joke. because now he's the idiot who feels jealous in that kind of brittle way he does when he gets the impression he's being replaced, which he hasn't felt in years, and also-- it's stupid? dick's the temporary replacement here. and even that's an unfair thought, but it's there and dick hates that this is happening when his emotions are a fucking mess because part of him is kind of in love with higekiri right now and this is the Worst Timing junpei sucks ]
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...it's probably temporary for you, yeah. [And he accepted that a while ago, just by nature of who he is as a person.] There's no guarantee people will remember anything when we leave this place, but I went into this knowing I probably would just because of the Morphogenetic Field. And even if it was temporary for us, I've spent more time having...whatever this is between us reciprocated than I've had with her. It's like I told Carlos. One day I just realized that maybe the girl I thought I knew wasn't really real at all, and I didn't know anything. But I wanted to do everything I could to make sure she wasn't bearing the weight of the world on her own shoulders.
[...] Coming here, I didn't think I'd ever feel the same way about anybody, but it's like I told Beck. I've never...had anybody else. It just never happened for me, and there were nine years between the last time Akane and I saw each other and the Nonary Game where I saved her and she ditched us in Nevada.
I don't really know what to call this thing between us, but I'm not looking at the deadline on it. I don't mind if you are. [There's a half grin.] Kinda used to being the one to care way too much. [It's also said like a joke except for the part where he's actually genuinely wondering if this is going to regress and he should've kept his mouth shut. "Good job, Junpei. You ruined another relationship trying to understand your own intense emotions." But at least he knows better than to say it out loud, and instead he turns his head for press his lips to the side of Dick's face. "Let me fix this."]
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[ it's snapped, a bit, because that's not what he meant. none of that is what he meant. he grabs at junpei's shirt to pull him in for a proper kiss after the cheek one, short and-- yeah, okay, angry. it's easier to go with indignant than anything else he might feel, and if there's one thing dick's tried to reign in this whole game, it's his temper, because he's not always fair with his anger. this, though? this feels justified. ]
You can't just-- tell me about the girl you proposed to back home-- in an alternate timeline, I know, I get it-- and how you've been thinking about it for weeks and then expect me not to-- what was I supposed to think, here? [ it's exasperated. ] How many times do you need me to say it, Junpei? I like you. You're... one of the main reasons I've even managed to keep sane in this place, even though the only useful things I've done are play doctor after people get themselves injured recklessly and kill someone. I didn't go along with whatever this is for fun, or because I knew it'd have to be temporary. I did because I have feelings for you despite the fact that we're on a sex demon cruise and I should really be putting the mission first.
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...it's actually a response he likes because it's sort of what he was hoping for. Dick tapping into whatever the fuck's going on in his head, explaining some things and yeah, sure, maybe this was a tiny bit manipulative on his part but it's not like Dick would ever tell him on his own. Sometimes you just kind of have to push buttons.
(Sometimes you know how to get people to talk because people use these same tricks on you.)
So he lets Dick rant for a minute before he kind of grabs Dick's chin with his free hand to hold him still.]
Ever think that maybe this was part of the mission? We've been told from day one that we're supposed to trust each other and I trust you with my entire life. Alright? [And then he just. Furrows his eyebrows together to go backwards for a second.] You don't have to say it if it's really that annoying, but sorry I'm still sort of shocked someone I really like actually likes me back despite the odds here. [Sometimes! The girl you want to marry just abandons you with no explanation, evades your questions and erases your memories and makes you question emotions! It happens!
But okay, dialing it back a second, he gives him another once over.] ...is that what's eating at you right now? How useful you're being?
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Doesn't matter how annoying it is, I'll say it every day until you start believing me.
[ it's a strong declaration from team doesn't talk about feelings and hasn't put a label on their clearly dating selves yet, but then there's. hm. that, and dick wrenches his face away ]
What? It's not-- eating at me. [ not anymore than usual, at least, considering. superhero! people dying! can't do shit! ]
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He still has his other hand, after all, and he's hanging onto it a little tighter as a reminder.]
Bullshit it's not. [...] ...it bothers me too. Maybe not the same level it gets to you because I'm not a superhero and I never have been, but I kind of think maybe I get the idea of doing a lot but not doing enough.
You've saved a lot of people here. Including the ones you've exorcised, because none of us should have to deal with that kind of fate.
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Yeah, alright. Sure. [ this is clearly the sound of someone who believes what they've just said? dick doesn't want to talk about this, is the thing, since he thinks what's bothering him is... stupid, and has thought so from the start. suck it up and get traught already, buttercup, before you end up a detriment to the mission and yourself. more than you already have been. ]
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I'll say it every day until you start believing me. [And sure, alright, it's not the same context but he's 100% serious anyway.] ...I think I told you a while ago that my head's a mess. Surprisingly it doesn't get much cleaner when I ignore it. Weird, right?
[It's not "tell me what you're thinking" or "tell me what's wrong", but it's more of a "it's probably not as bad as you think and if you want to trust me enough, I'll listen."]
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I've only had the one counseling session, and it was more than enough for me. [ it's wry. ] I know... what's going on in my head. [ he kind of always does. dick tries to be self-aware, though whether he acts positively on that or not is... touch and go. ] And I know it doesn't make sense, but I-- I know I could, should be doing more than I am. But instead I'm-- causing a distraction in the middle of a murder trial.
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That's a start. [Knowing what's up, and not for the first time Junpei finds himself thinking about his own issues. Oh well. Away with those.] I'm going to take at least 50% of the credit for that considering I'm an expert at picking fights that nobody needs and I kinda made it worse trying to fx it. [Dryly. But...he nudges him a little.]
A lot of stuff doesn't make sense but that doesn't stop it from, like...being a thing. But...humor me a sec. What do you think you should be doing? What is "more" in this case?
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[ that's all dick says on that, because he knows if junpei hadn't stepped in dick would've snapped himself. doesn't mean he likes thinking about it. ]
Figuring things out? [ it's vague, because it's hard to explain. ] We're six weeks in and I'm not anywhere closer to finding a solution to anything. Haven't got a plan of action, either. This whole time, I've just been-- reacting.
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Don't know if you've noticed, but I'm sort of running without a plan either. [Which is pissing him off, and in a few days time in the future of this thread he goes on a rant about it.] This is the longest I've ever stayed trapped in a game like this and it feels like it's a lot of the blind leading the blind. What makes it that you, Dick Grayson, have to be the one person to figure out the solution?
[Said the pot to the kettle.]
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You said it yourself. Superhero. I've worked my whole life to help people. I've trained for this stuff.
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Okay, and...? [Like.] Not to discredit that because I get that, but we're kind of in a place where a bunch of us are used to bailing ourselves out and saving other people. It doesn't have to just be you, idiot. [Maybe don't call your ??? an idiot out loud.] So tell me again. Why does it have to be you specifically?
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[ woops, regressed a bit there from "A few" to "nothing" ]
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Do I need to remind you that you literally finished a mission that the last group died trying to complete? And brought us the still-beating heart? And brought people back unharmed? I wouldn't call your break-ins and keeping us on track and backing me up every step of the way doing nothing when it comes to getting us out of here. But maybe that's just me.
[...he sighs a little, rolling his eyes toward the ceiling.] ...I get that me saying it isn't going to change how you think about it because you're difficult like that, but...I wanted you to know anyway. Alright?
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... I know. That's not what I meant. [ it's what he said but it's not what he meant. shut up. ] Look, it's stupid. We don't have to keep talking about it.
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...if you really want to drop it, fine, we can do that. But don't drop it because you think I don't want to talk about it. [There's a shrug.] I like difficult. [Dick is just a very different breed of difficult but it's fine, he's already invested enough.]
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Think I've made it obvious I don't want to talk about it. [ it's dry, because again: self-aware, just. not always great at doing anything about it. though for the other part... ] And you don't get to call me difficult, you're as bad as I am.
[ fucking alternate timeline fiancee dick's still dying over it ]
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Yeah, I got that. [This is to both statements, and he's officially dropping the subject even though that's going to stick in the back of his head for a while.] You still like me anyway so what the hell does that say about us?
[Listen. Sometimes you desperately love someone and then discover the poly life because you have enough self-awareness to recognize your feelings for someone else. It happens.]
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[ absolutely no one should be surprised by this conclusion? which is why dick just. kisses him, though it's light and quick ]
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Probably. [There's another kiss but he doesn't try to turn it into anything heavier because he's content this way. Gay x2.] Worth it though.
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Yeah? Kind of agree on that one.
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