We don't know what you'll lose in place of that when they do disappear, you know. [But...he shifts to rest his head on her shoulder. He's 100% aware he's one of the only people who can get away with this.]
...there aren't many rooms left. In theory, it's possible to open them. Katy has a key, and so does Higekiri. We might be able to use them if we ask.
[-- That is a damn good point he brings up and Tamamo would shrug except now his head is on her shoulder. Under normal circumstances she'd be preening, but having eight tails means she's a bit more like her goddess form and therefore has gotta be a tsun about it.
... Still going to lean in and nuzzle the closest cat ear to her, though.]
Well... if I asked Higekiri-san, I do not think he would deny me access to the key, provided he could come along.
[...]
I will be honest, Master. I would prefer you not come with me, if I should go. Should I fail to protect you...
He wants to be of use, but in his current state of mind I don't know if that's such a good idea either. ...he was..kind of terrifying when we were still locked up and hadn't injected him.
[...but he nods anyway.] I get the feeling my luck's gonna run out eventually. I don't exactly like it, but I understand.
I understand your concerns, but Higekiri-san will recover. It is a painful thing, to feel the weight of a human's emotions... I went through such a state myself, many years ago.
[reaching over and gently petting his ears now]
But he prefers to spread happiness when he's able. It will not be an easy road, but I sincerely doubt he will regress back to that of a mindless sword, only to be used. He must make amends with his own will and the feelings that come with it.
... Though I admit I was almost brought to murder when he admitted he nearly harmed you. What luck that he didn't follow through with that, hm?
[Would tamamo have killed higekiri for touching junpei?
...is that really what it is? [He actually calms down with the ear petting so thanks Tamamo.] That thing bit him and he started to change. He couldn't even describe the pain because his reference was "melting." And that's when his emotions got all weird. I want to believe you're right but...it's sort of freaking me out.
[...but he glances at her carefully.] First of all, it's Wednesday. No murdering off schedule. [A joke, but.] ...that was my fault, I shouldn't have tried to touch him. But...thanks.
Hmph. [Her tails settle around both of them bc she's kinda possessive, smh]
He knows the consequences for attacking you, and that I don't much care about particulars.
[Sorry not sorry, she isn't here to play fair.]
... Though when I talked to him, about his response to that level of pain... he said it was the closest he'd ever felt to being a sword again, attacking whatever seemed to pose a threat.
He's not really a being used to that level of vulnerability, you see. We spirits can be rather weak in that regard.
[Still rhythmically petting his ears. It seems to have a calming effect on her as well, and her voice has returned to some of its usual softness]
Not that I blame you for your concerns... Ha. I don't doubt he would have attacked me, too, had I approached carelessly. He even said as much.
[He's fine with that. He's feeling pretty territorial lately himself, so he leans where he can and just frowns at the words. The ear pets help him bite back several comments that might boil down to arguments, but he takes a breath to focus on what he really wants to say.]
...I get why spirits feel the way they feel about being used, but I still hate it. I don't like being used, and I don't like the idea of using people like that. Is vulnerability dangerous for people who aren't used to it? [He's musing on that for a bit.] If we're meant to work together up until the end, we have to try to work around it without attacking each other. That's all I'm saying.
[A semi-peaceful solution. He's aware that it won't be that easy.]
[She notes that he's really just musing out loud, but tries to answer his question with her perspective all the same]
... Of course it depends on the spirit in question, but we can be haughty, as I'm sure you've realized. We've lived long and feel as if we've seen and experienced everything existence has to show.
[A sigh, and she leans her head against his] It's part of why I chose to be human. The complexity of human emotion was new and inviting. But I went into it with a goddess's perspective, and paid dearly for underestimating what I thought I craved.
[Gods and spirits are far, far more stupid than they want to admit, sometimes]
Regardless, I do not think you're wrong, and neither would Higekiri-san fault your thinking. He prefers the people around him be happy, and if his current state prohibits that, then he will try to change -- or I suppose, try to return back to the sword who does not attack thoughtlessly.
[A hand reaches up to pet her hair. He remembers that story. He remembers what Tamamo said to him, and how she feels about it, but he still doesn't exactly fault her for choosing to be human even if being human is one of the most painful experiences.]
I know. All of you seem to have that in common when you remind me how long you've lived and everything you've ever felt. [It's a little endearing even if it's a little frustrating, too.]
...some of the things Higekiri said to me today don't exactly inspire me with confidence. Do you really think he wants to return to the way he was? Or are we going to be too late to help?
...couple of things. [But the one he has the biggest problem with is:] "You're kind and you will look for your alternative methods. I don't mind... I want you to succeed, even if saying that is selfish and might bring you more pain. But there are just as many timelines, and histories, in which such methods never work out, and I am just another piece to break. It's okay, you know? I have a feeling that it'll all work out, Junpei, even if it's not what you want. Not everyone is a certain existence that will change history - others are expendable, or only pawns that will never be remembered. Even though I am a treasure, my era is over."
I don't like people being used or using people. Unless I have to. [Because Tamamo knows how ruthless he can be, and yet...this is probably closer to his real personality. ] I get that all of the swords feel that way to some extent but I also don't think they're only here and were given human forms and emotions just to be expendable.
[Sigh... her Master really is kind. That is a sentiment she and Hige agree with]
Of course they weren't. Fate is not so straight-forward, assuming there's a concept of fate at all. The swords considering themselves expendable is the best way for them to make sense of the existence they've been given.
... Higekiri-san has lost his brother, half of his soul as he puts it, and has hurt others he probably didn't intend to hurt. I think falling back on the familiar creed of his existence is his way of coping.
[...]
But you know, he told me -- someone as ancient as himself still has things to learn about living. Pragmatically, what he told you makes sense, but life is filled with emotion and muddles that pragmatism. He can be a treasure of an era long past, but still find purpose that does not lower himself to a tool meant to break.
[...weirdly, when she puts it like that, he thinks he understands a little better. It makes more sense when she frames it that way and he thinks about it for a moment as he quietly ponders. Is that truly possible?
People cope in different ways and some people cope in shitty ways, so yeah. He thinks it's possible.]
I get the benefit of being pragmatic, but at the same time it's not always what people should default to. [It leads to a lot of messy situations, he thinks.] It's something people living life should keep in mind because being human or even having these emotions means being able to experience and learn and keep going even when the world doesn't want you to. I don't know if the same can be said for pragmatism. Not in the same way.
[He frowns though.] ...I think he'll find purpose, but we have to help him.
Yes, I agree... Pragmatism is difficult to maintain, especially for humans -- and no, I do not mean that as an offense for once. [Critical as she is of humanity, she tries to pay them a compliment today]
Rather, emotions are why your lives shine brightly.
[...]
But I admit, I... do not know how to help him, besides to be patient, and see if he can work through his emotions himself.
Even if they're a mess, sure. [Pragmatism ruined his life, emotions also ruined his life, it's fine, he's learning to deal. As it is though, he nods long.]
I think if anyone could support him well it' be another spirit, actually. It's not like humans really get the idea of having a master to serve and countless years and lifetimes. [...] Most humans, anyway. Wouldn't that be help enough?
... It is true, we have found mutual understanding in each other because we are not human.
[her voice... softens a little]
His struggles aren't easy, but that is why I hope he overcomes them. Emotions are worth it, even if they often hurt. I do not think he'll gain anything by retreating to his sheath.
I don't either. There's really nothing to be gained by hiding from whatever it is you feel. [He says, despite the fact he's constantly hiding from what he feels these days because it's way too much.]
Help him however you can. He seems to like you enough that he might even listen even if he can't fully understand yet.
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[NOSE SCRUNCHING? How dare]
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We don't know what you'll lose in place of that when they do disappear, you know. [But...he shifts to rest his head on her shoulder. He's 100% aware he's one of the only people who can get away with this.]
...there aren't many rooms left. In theory, it's possible to open them. Katy has a key, and so does Higekiri. We might be able to use them if we ask.
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... Still going to lean in and nuzzle the closest cat ear to her, though.]
Well... if I asked Higekiri-san, I do not think he would deny me access to the key, provided he could come along.
[...]
I will be honest, Master. I would prefer you not come with me, if I should go. Should I fail to protect you...
[Tamamo will. not take it well.]
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He wants to be of use, but in his current state of mind I don't know if that's such a good idea either. ...he was..kind of terrifying when we were still locked up and hadn't injected him.
[...but he nods anyway.] I get the feeling my luck's gonna run out eventually. I don't exactly like it, but I understand.
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I understand your concerns, but Higekiri-san will recover. It is a painful thing, to feel the weight of a human's emotions... I went through such a state myself, many years ago.
[reaching over and gently petting his ears now]
But he prefers to spread happiness when he's able. It will not be an easy road, but I sincerely doubt he will regress back to that of a mindless sword, only to be used. He must make amends with his own will and the feelings that come with it.
... Though I admit I was almost brought to murder when he admitted he nearly harmed you. What luck that he didn't follow through with that, hm?
[Would tamamo have killed higekiri for touching junpei?
yea
yea she would've]
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[...but he glances at her carefully.] First of all, it's Wednesday. No murdering off schedule. [A joke, but.] ...that was my fault, I shouldn't have tried to touch him. But...thanks.
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He knows the consequences for attacking you, and that I don't much care about particulars.
[Sorry not sorry, she isn't here to play fair.]
... Though when I talked to him, about his response to that level of pain... he said it was the closest he'd ever felt to being a sword again, attacking whatever seemed to pose a threat.
He's not really a being used to that level of vulnerability, you see. We spirits can be rather weak in that regard.
[Still rhythmically petting his ears. It seems to have a calming effect on her as well, and her voice has returned to some of its usual softness]
Not that I blame you for your concerns... Ha. I don't doubt he would have attacked me, too, had I approached carelessly. He even said as much.
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...I get why spirits feel the way they feel about being used, but I still hate it. I don't like being used, and I don't like the idea of using people like that. Is vulnerability dangerous for people who aren't used to it? [He's musing on that for a bit.] If we're meant to work together up until the end, we have to try to work around it without attacking each other. That's all I'm saying.
[A semi-peaceful solution. He's aware that it won't be that easy.]
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... Of course it depends on the spirit in question, but we can be haughty, as I'm sure you've realized. We've lived long and feel as if we've seen and experienced everything existence has to show.
[A sigh, and she leans her head against his] It's part of why I chose to be human. The complexity of human emotion was new and inviting. But I went into it with a goddess's perspective, and paid dearly for underestimating what I thought I craved.
[Gods and spirits are far, far more stupid than they want to admit, sometimes]
Regardless, I do not think you're wrong, and neither would Higekiri-san fault your thinking. He prefers the people around him be happy, and if his current state prohibits that, then he will try to change -- or I suppose, try to return back to the sword who does not attack thoughtlessly.
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I know. All of you seem to have that in common when you remind me how long you've lived and everything you've ever felt. [It's a little endearing even if it's a little frustrating, too.]
...some of the things Higekiri said to me today don't exactly inspire me with confidence. Do you really think he wants to return to the way he was? Or are we going to be too late to help?
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[Indeed, there have been plenty of things she'd been wrong about, and sighs as she settles more against him]
... What did he say to you, Master?
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[Big unhappy :(]
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[tongue clucking in both fondness and irritation because just. look at how distressed her master is.]
You do not like him referring to himself as expendable, then? A tool meant to be thrown away once his usefulness has ended?
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Of course they weren't. Fate is not so straight-forward, assuming there's a concept of fate at all. The swords considering themselves expendable is the best way for them to make sense of the existence they've been given.
... Higekiri-san has lost his brother, half of his soul as he puts it, and has hurt others he probably didn't intend to hurt. I think falling back on the familiar creed of his existence is his way of coping.
[...]
But you know, he told me -- someone as ancient as himself still has things to learn about living. Pragmatically, what he told you makes sense, but life is filled with emotion and muddles that pragmatism. He can be a treasure of an era long past, but still find purpose that does not lower himself to a tool meant to break.
... Or so I truly hope for him.
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People cope in different ways and some people cope in shitty ways, so yeah. He thinks it's possible.]
I get the benefit of being pragmatic, but at the same time it's not always what people should default to. [It leads to a lot of messy situations, he thinks.] It's something people living life should keep in mind because being human or even having these emotions means being able to experience and learn and keep going even when the world doesn't want you to. I don't know if the same can be said for pragmatism. Not in the same way.
[He frowns though.] ...I think he'll find purpose, but we have to help him.
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Rather, emotions are why your lives shine brightly.
[...]
But I admit, I... do not know how to help him, besides to be patient, and see if he can work through his emotions himself.
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I think if anyone could support him well it' be another spirit, actually. It's not like humans really get the idea of having a master to serve and countless years and lifetimes. [...] Most humans, anyway. Wouldn't that be help enough?
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[her voice... softens a little]
His struggles aren't easy, but that is why I hope he overcomes them. Emotions are worth it, even if they often hurt. I do not think he'll gain anything by retreating to his sheath.
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Help him however you can. He seems to like you enough that he might even listen even if he can't fully understand yet.
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[Lightly teasing]
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As you wish then, Master.
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Thank you. For everything.