Not so much at their location -- Junpei could have led her off the side of the ship and Tamamo doubts she would have questioned him -- but that he seems determined to offer her something of solace, and that is sweet enough to warrant a response.]
Is there anything of value to say?
[Her voice sounds light to her ears; thin and frail. She hates it.]
... You and I both know the dangers in getting attached to people.
[A puff of laughter. She drags a hand through her bangs and rests it against her forehead]
Indeed... and even worse, I seem to have lost my edge on this ship. My past life would be horrified.
[To think she cares enough about a handful of humans to feel regret at their passing. Tamamo isn't used to this]
-- The myths about me aren't completely accurate, you know. I did used to be a goddess -- I trust you have heard of Amaterasu.
[She... doesn't know why she brings it up, and so suddenly as well, reclining on her outstretched arm as she sits. The other hand continues to mask her eyes from view]
I split off from her when humans began to worship an aspect of her soul, and after that, I watched humans for a long time. They were so hard for me to understand, throwing offerings at my feet as if that made a difference in their lives.
... There's no such thing as a just or evil god -- most of us are just indifferent.
[He nods because obviously he's heard of Amaterasu, and now that he's been reminded he knows a little more about Tamamo's history. Somehow, he never quite realized she really was that spirit. He lets her hide her eyes from view, sitting in front of her like a human shield and patiently waiting for her to sort out her thoughts.
There's a hint of a smile, but not very amused.]
...Akane once theorized we were in the history that God abandoned because it wasn't the one he intended to make. [An indifferent sort of god. He understands the concept enough.] Humans are hard for other humans to understand, too. Otherwise we wouldn't be where we are right now.
[She says this but he's still going to bring her offerings because he can.] But it's hard to be indifferent when you interact with humans this closely, isn't it?
Yes, well. You all do tend to bring out the worst in me.
[That probably isn't fair. Tamamo would claim there's plenty about her that was twisted from the start, but she's so very tired of feeling every little thing as strongly as she does now.
Her story isn't finished, however, and the woman forces herself to continue after a second heavy pause]
... I grew... jealous, I think. Even with my immortality, I found myself wanting nothing more than to experience what humans do -- love, for instance. It looked so beautiful from afar, like starlight.
[...]
I was a fool, of course. Love is as much an ugly emotion as it is beautiful. My divine indifference meant I didn't need to go through pain and regret, but by the time I made my choice and cast aside my memories, it was too late to take it back.
[She drops her hand back into her lap, head somewhat bowed]
You and most of the others had no choice -- you were born human. I chose my path, and have no one else to blame but myself in the end.
[She gave life permission to hurt her, by stupidly thrusting herself into the fold]
[He opens his mouth but shuts up when he realizes she isn't done, back to patiently waiting as she says her piece. The thing is, he actually understands a little more than she probably realizes and it's why his face shifts into a look of quiet sympathy and almost something like regret.]
...have you ever heard of the Knowledge Argument? [Out of all of that, it's what he says first.] I said this to Hizamaru once, but I think it makes sense in a couple of cases.
It's a thought experiment where a woman named Mary is forced to see the world from inside a locked black and white room, through a black and white monitor. While she's there, she learns everything she can about color through observation and research. She learns the names of the colors and the fact that grass is green and the sky is blue and the knowledge you'd need to understand the concepts other people experience. She becomes an expert on these things, but she has never experienced them herself.
But, what would happen then if Mary was released from her room and immersed in the world full of color? Even with everything she's seen and come to learn, would she be prepared for the experience of color once she's able to experience it herself? That's the question.
[...which is to say:] The world is ugly. The world is ugly. The world is ugly, emotions are messy, and humans aren't nearly as beautiful as they appear on the surface. But it's only with experience that you can truly know. So maybe it isn't such a bad thing to make the choice to find out, even when it hurts.
[It isn't a story she's heard of... but she understands immediately why Junpei has chosen to share it. There's a wisdom to his words, even if a part of her is reluctant to acknowledge it -- not even because of Junpei himself, either. Petty though it is, a piece of her still prefers being every bit the sly and unknowable fox of her legends.
There is, after all, a vulnerability in being known.]
... Having lived through a version of this experiment, I doubt she would truly understand anything until thrust into the real world.
[She folds her arms into her kimono, and... hesitates. Her story is still not quite done, but it is always the last bit that is the most painful, some secret tender part of her heart that she always hates exposing.]
I told you once that Dimitri-sama reminded me of my emperor.
[...]
Even if my legends aren't much kind to me, I did indeed love Emperor Toba -- dying at his orders still haunts me sometimes. He died thinking I betrayed him, and I died being betrayed by him.
[...]
I wanted Dimitri-sama to be better than that -- to me, his people, some future love... [An awkward shrug] I suppose I just hoped to recreate the feeling of things I had lost.
[And now another royal is dead in her life, and everyone has lost their chances]
[So. He lets her talk again and lets the words absorb into his head, making comparisons of what he knows here versus what he knows of the legends. He does remember those words....but now he fully understands why.]
...you still know that there was nothing wrong with wanting that, don't you? There's...something beautiful, still, in having a choice in giving up entirely and still having hope in things. It's something I sometimes don't really know how to do myself. [He can admit that much.] Even if he's not here, I don't think it's too late.
She would claim she has no need for such things -- it's too painful a burden when hope dies, and in some ways, she's more a coward than the humans she scoffs at]
Ha, I've--
[A pause. Her mouth draws into a frown and she glances away from him, sighing thickly. She can feel her ears peel back]
No, you're right of course. It's only too late once you've given up.
[A light nod. He lets her look away and does nothing to try and turn her back to him.]
It's worth remembering even when you don't want to and it seems a lot easier to give up anyway. [There are a few times he debated giving up, but they were very few and far between. Junpei's always been determined to get through everything life has thrown at him lately and survive to achieve what he's after. Nothing about that will change. The question from her is both expected and unexpected, and he sighs to himself.]
Once I get to the right timeline, we...probably have to find someone who's going to start a nuclear war to kill eight billion people. Not probably, we are. Carlos is a little ahead of me in the timeline, so he filled me in on it. We have to find them and stop them before it's too late.
[-- She glances right back at him after that response, having expected something a little less... well. Not what she heard. In fact, it is strikingly familiar in a way that almost has her smiling, but then she'd have to explain the joke when her heart just feels heavy in her chest.]
So you'll still be busy.
[She wonders if he will remember her, his sly and evil servant.
she will never ask, that much she is certain of.]
No wonder you are determined to leave; there is much you have to accomplish. I hope for your success.
Yeah. Seems that way. [...there's a tiny grin, both hopeful and sad all at once.] Carlos and I both have to get back...and whenever we find them and stop them, I have a wedding to plan. Maybe.
Are you kidding? What kind of money do you think I make? [He's joking but also please he's broke.] I kind of spent all of my savings on her ring anyway, but she's the one who's the president of her own company.
[With something like this, there's no guarantee he'll survive. But at the same time, he's been determined to live for this long and he refuses to go down easily.]
I can't die here. [A light tone, but serious.] I have to get back to Akane...and I still have my pact with you. You didn't think I forgot, did you?
[It's hard for him to answer right away because it's been a while since happiness came so easily to him, but after a few moments...he grins lightly]
Would you believe me if I said my childhood was totally normal? I was an only child, but everything was just sorta average. When we were kids, Kanny and I used to spend a lot of time together. [He doesn't even notice the nickname for a moment even though it's one he hasn't used for her in some time.] We went to festivals and fairs together...the pool...just like normal stuff you'd expect. It's almost funny to think about now but...they're good memories.
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Not so much at their location -- Junpei could have led her off the side of the ship and Tamamo doubts she would have questioned him -- but that he seems determined to offer her something of solace, and that is sweet enough to warrant a response.]
Is there anything of value to say?
[Her voice sounds light to her ears; thin and frail. She hates it.]
... You and I both know the dangers in getting attached to people.
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We do. But you and I also both know that sometimes it happens without our permission anyway. Isn't that the most dangerous part?
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Indeed... and even worse, I seem to have lost my edge on this ship. My past life would be horrified.
[To think she cares enough about a handful of humans to feel regret at their passing. Tamamo isn't used to this]
-- The myths about me aren't completely accurate, you know. I did used to be a goddess -- I trust you have heard of Amaterasu.
[She... doesn't know why she brings it up, and so suddenly as well, reclining on her outstretched arm as she sits. The other hand continues to mask her eyes from view]
I split off from her when humans began to worship an aspect of her soul, and after that, I watched humans for a long time. They were so hard for me to understand, throwing offerings at my feet as if that made a difference in their lives.
... There's no such thing as a just or evil god -- most of us are just indifferent.
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There's a hint of a smile, but not very amused.]
...Akane once theorized we were in the history that God abandoned because it wasn't the one he intended to make. [An indifferent sort of god. He understands the concept enough.] Humans are hard for other humans to understand, too. Otherwise we wouldn't be where we are right now.
[She says this but he's still going to bring her offerings because he can.] But it's hard to be indifferent when you interact with humans this closely, isn't it?
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[That probably isn't fair. Tamamo would claim there's plenty about her that was twisted from the start, but she's so very tired of feeling every little thing as strongly as she does now.
Her story isn't finished, however, and the woman forces herself to continue after a second heavy pause]
... I grew... jealous, I think. Even with my immortality, I found myself wanting nothing more than to experience what humans do -- love, for instance. It looked so beautiful from afar, like starlight.
[...]
I was a fool, of course. Love is as much an ugly emotion as it is beautiful. My divine indifference meant I didn't need to go through pain and regret, but by the time I made my choice and cast aside my memories, it was too late to take it back.
[She drops her hand back into her lap, head somewhat bowed]
You and most of the others had no choice -- you were born human. I chose my path, and have no one else to blame but myself in the end.
[She gave life permission to hurt her, by stupidly thrusting herself into the fold]
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...have you ever heard of the Knowledge Argument? [Out of all of that, it's what he says first.] I said this to Hizamaru once, but I think it makes sense in a couple of cases.
It's a thought experiment where a woman named Mary is forced to see the world from inside a locked black and white room, through a black and white monitor. While she's there, she learns everything she can about color through observation and research. She learns the names of the colors and the fact that grass is green and the sky is blue and the knowledge you'd need to understand the concepts other people experience. She becomes an expert on these things, but she has never experienced them herself.
But, what would happen then if Mary was released from her room and immersed in the world full of color? Even with everything she's seen and come to learn, would she be prepared for the experience of color once she's able to experience it herself? That's the question.
[...which is to say:] The world is ugly. The world is ugly. The world is ugly, emotions are messy, and humans aren't nearly as beautiful as they appear on the surface. But it's only with experience that you can truly know. So maybe it isn't such a bad thing to make the choice to find out, even when it hurts.
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There is, after all, a vulnerability in being known.]
... Having lived through a version of this experiment, I doubt she would truly understand anything until thrust into the real world.
[She folds her arms into her kimono, and... hesitates. Her story is still not quite done, but it is always the last bit that is the most painful, some secret tender part of her heart that she always hates exposing.]
I told you once that Dimitri-sama reminded me of my emperor.
[...]
Even if my legends aren't much kind to me, I did indeed love Emperor Toba -- dying at his orders still haunts me sometimes. He died thinking I betrayed him, and I died being betrayed by him.
[...]
I wanted Dimitri-sama to be better than that -- to me, his people, some future love... [An awkward shrug] I suppose I just hoped to recreate the feeling of things I had lost.
[And now another royal is dead in her life, and everyone has lost their chances]
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...you still know that there was nothing wrong with wanting that, don't you? There's...something beautiful, still, in having a choice in giving up entirely and still having hope in things. It's something I sometimes don't really know how to do myself. [He can admit that much.] Even if he's not here, I don't think it's too late.
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She would claim she has no need for such things -- it's too painful a burden when hope dies, and in some ways, she's more a coward than the humans she scoffs at]
Ha, I've--
[A pause. Her mouth draws into a frown and she glances away from him, sighing thickly. She can feel her ears peel back]
No, you're right of course. It's only too late once you've given up.
[...]
When you get home, Master, what will you do?
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It's worth remembering even when you don't want to and it seems a lot easier to give up anyway. [There are a few times he debated giving up, but they were very few and far between. Junpei's always been determined to get through everything life has thrown at him lately and survive to achieve what he's after. Nothing about that will change. The question from her is both expected and unexpected, and he sighs to himself.]
Once I get to the right timeline, we...probably have to find someone who's going to start a nuclear war to kill eight billion people. Not probably, we are. Carlos is a little ahead of me in the timeline, so he filled me in on it. We have to find them and stop them before it's too late.
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So you'll still be busy.
[She wonders if he will remember her, his sly and evil servant.
she will never ask, that much she is certain of.]
No wonder you are determined to leave; there is much you have to accomplish. I hope for your success.
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[If they live and all. Haha.]
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That at least pulls a smile out of her, even if it's just as fragile as Junpei's]
Hmmm, is that so? [Voice faintly teasing, a little bit of her old self peeking through her sadness]
Ladies do tend to like extravagant weddings, so I hope you've saved up for your beloved, neh~
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[Things that improve Tamamo's mood -- being mean to Junpei]
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It'll be a joint effort, thanks. [A playful little grin.] But...she did say she'd leave a spot open for me. So I just have to hope she means it.
[He loves and adores his fiancée, but things are sometimes still a little complicated.]
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[... glancing away again as she sinks back into her thoughts]
You won't die here, will you? Not when you must see her again...
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I can't die here. [A light tone, but serious.] I have to get back to Akane...and I still have my pact with you. You didn't think I forgot, did you?
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No, I did not think you would forget.
[Gods, she is so tired. She leans back into her arm again, expression oddly weary]
... Have you ever wondered what it is that I want, Master?
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It is time enough. Tamamo seems to relax and nods at his answer]
... Tell me about your childhood, in the meantime?
[Something happy, she hopes. Something that has nothing to do with this ship and their fates.
Tamamo no Mae hates sad endings.]
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Would you believe me if I said my childhood was totally normal? I was an only child, but everything was just sorta average. When we were kids, Kanny and I used to spend a lot of time together. [He doesn't even notice the nickname for a moment even though it's one he hasn't used for her in some time.] We went to festivals and fairs together...the pool...just like normal stuff you'd expect. It's almost funny to think about now but...they're good memories.
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[What the actual fuck that's cute. She is grinning brightly now, like all of her previous sorrows have disappeared.]
Aaaah, I bet Master was such a scrawny young thing no bigger than my tails, too~
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