Sometimes it's as simple as talking about what's upsetting you. We are allies - but if we don't talk about things like that, then how are we supposed to understand each other?
[ his hands drop to his sides, and he wanders a few steps away before turning back to junpei. what he's saying... well, it isn't necessarily something kanesan has heard before, but it lines up with his guess as to why certain swords back home act the way that they do. congratulations junpei, you are an honorary sword. ]
No one is perfect. Even the best warriors make mistakes on the battlefield, in the heat of the moment. It's what you do after that the matters the most. If you let that break you because you're afraid of acknowledging what you're feeling, then that doesn't help anyone, either.
I'm not breaking and I'm not planning to break, Izuminokami. [The words are sudden and clipped, even though he doesn't look too angry about the subject itself.] I don't think of today as a mistake but it's still wrong.
[He pauses then.] ...sorry. There've been a lot of conflicting messages today, I'm not sure what I really want to do right now.
[ - ah. he'll raise his hands in a gesture of surrender. ]
Sorry, sorry - I didn't mean to say that today was a mistake. Believe me when I say that I agree with you on that.
[ but he doesn't clarify further, not yet. lowering his arms, he does cant his head to the side, just a little. ]
That's why I came to check on you, though. We're in a difficult position moving forward, so it's hard to decide what to do or how to feel. But talking about it can help you figure that out.
...I think...[How to explain. Does he explain? It's such a first world sort of problem and not the worst problem to have in a game like this, but it's eating at him the longer he stews on it.] I've had so many people tell me that people on this ship look to me for guidance and as a leader or something because I've been right so much. And that because of that, I can't falter here or make bad decisions or hesitate at all.
But the longer we're here, the more we're going to get to know each other and the harder it'll be to convict each other. I don't have a problem doing what needs to be done at the end of the day. It's just a balance of doing what needs to be done and personal loyalties, especially if we have a case like today where someone isn't actually guilty.
[ hmmm. after a few more meandering steps, he'll nod. ]
You are a lot like him, just like I thought. [ but he's. not explaining that before moving on. ] I'll give you that people here do look to you as a leader. Whether it's a matter of you being right or just having the right attitude for it...
[ a shrug. ]
But if you ask me, even a leader needs someone they can speak to. Even the best will make a bad decision. Isn't it a little unreasonable to tell you to do everything right all the time and never take a moment to deal with how you feel about it? Just because you can bear the burden alone doesn't mean you should.
I can't tell you what to do, when it comes to finding that balance. But as long as you're doing what you think is right, and not what you think others are expecting of you, I think you'll do as well as anyone can, in the situation we're in.
[He almost asks "like who" but decides it's not worth it. If Izuminokami felt that a name was important, he'd give one. As it is, he frowns quietly because he knows he has a point.]
I always thought the philosophy was about "if you can, do" myself, but...I don't know. I haven't really had time to deal with most of what's happened over the last year so this place isn't unfamiliar. Figured I could deal later when it was over, but maybe it'll never be over.
...are you going to think differently of me if I don't know how to do that yet?
Mm... That often seems to be the case for humans, doesn't it? It never ends until your lives do, but then do you ever figure things out?
[ that might be a harsh way to put it, but as a sword, he doesn't have much more context than that. it's for that reason that he shrugs at junpei's question. ]
It would be a bit hypocritical for me to do that, wouldn't it? I may be a few centuries old, but I've only had a human body and the heart that comes with it for a few years. I couldn't claim to be an expert on how to handle it.
But that's how being human is, isn't it? [ this time, it's a genuine question. he'd like to know what the actual human thinks about such human things. ] You don't always know the right answer, but you do the best you can and figure it out as you go - it's kind of like a battle of its own.
Even those who've lived for decades as humans can't claim to be an expert because the human condition is always changing. [Just. Tiredly.] But that's how being human is. You're right. You spend your whole life deciding if the choices you've made are the correct ones and what can be done with them. Sometimes they're the wrong ones, or they're a path you have to fix.
I've never thought of living as a battle until recently, but...that's a good way to describe it.
The flow of battle is always changing. You can try to plan for every scenario, but that doesn’t mean it will work out. Sooner or later, you have to make it up as you go, even if nothing goes wrong - though something often does.
[ he smiles. ]
Whatever you choose to do, Junpei… If it makes your heart feel heavy, don’t suffer it by yourself. Even a leader needs to be supported, once in a while. You’re welcome to come to me, if you like - and I’ll find a way to make you smile again.
[That's...kind of sweet. He just gives off a half-smile because he's grateful even if uncertain.]
Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. [He'll always be bad at sharing, but he can make an attempt.] But what about you? Who're you talking to when things get worse around here?
[He's not letting Kanesada out of this so easily, it seems.]
[ he'll just brush that off with a wave of his hand. ]
Don't worry about me. There are four other swords here I can talk to, if I need to - and a few others, as well. A team works best when they can lean on each other when things get difficult, you know. It's the way of the Shinsengumi.
[ he's including junpei on that list, of course. ]
Why doesn't that surprise me? [But he sounds more amused than anything.] I'm glad to hear it though. What choice do I have then than to try and act the same?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ his hands drop to his sides, and he wanders a few steps away before turning back to junpei. what he's saying... well, it isn't necessarily something kanesan has heard before, but it lines up with his guess as to why certain swords back home act the way that they do. congratulations junpei, you are an honorary sword. ]
No one is perfect. Even the best warriors make mistakes on the battlefield, in the heat of the moment. It's what you do after that the matters the most. If you let that break you because you're afraid of acknowledging what you're feeling, then that doesn't help anyone, either.
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[He pauses then.] ...sorry. There've been a lot of conflicting messages today, I'm not sure what I really want to do right now.
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Sorry, sorry - I didn't mean to say that today was a mistake. Believe me when I say that I agree with you on that.
[ but he doesn't clarify further, not yet. lowering his arms, he does cant his head to the side, just a little. ]
That's why I came to check on you, though. We're in a difficult position moving forward, so it's hard to decide what to do or how to feel. But talking about it can help you figure that out.
no subject
But the longer we're here, the more we're going to get to know each other and the harder it'll be to convict each other. I don't have a problem doing what needs to be done at the end of the day. It's just a balance of doing what needs to be done and personal loyalties, especially if we have a case like today where someone isn't actually guilty.
no subject
You are a lot like him, just like I thought. [ but he's. not explaining that before moving on. ] I'll give you that people here do look to you as a leader. Whether it's a matter of you being right or just having the right attitude for it...
[ a shrug. ]
But if you ask me, even a leader needs someone they can speak to. Even the best will make a bad decision. Isn't it a little unreasonable to tell you to do everything right all the time and never take a moment to deal with how you feel about it? Just because you can bear the burden alone doesn't mean you should.
I can't tell you what to do, when it comes to finding that balance. But as long as you're doing what you think is right, and not what you think others are expecting of you, I think you'll do as well as anyone can, in the situation we're in.
no subject
I always thought the philosophy was about "if you can, do" myself, but...I don't know. I haven't really had time to deal with most of what's happened over the last year so this place isn't unfamiliar. Figured I could deal later when it was over, but maybe it'll never be over.
...are you going to think differently of me if I don't know how to do that yet?
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[ that might be a harsh way to put it, but as a sword, he doesn't have much more context than that. it's for that reason that he shrugs at junpei's question. ]
It would be a bit hypocritical for me to do that, wouldn't it? I may be a few centuries old, but I've only had a human body and the heart that comes with it for a few years. I couldn't claim to be an expert on how to handle it.
But that's how being human is, isn't it? [ this time, it's a genuine question. he'd like to know what the actual human thinks about such human things. ] You don't always know the right answer, but you do the best you can and figure it out as you go - it's kind of like a battle of its own.
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I've never thought of living as a battle until recently, but...that's a good way to describe it.
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[ he smiles. ]
Whatever you choose to do, Junpei… If it makes your heart feel heavy, don’t suffer it by yourself. Even a leader needs to be supported, once in a while. You’re welcome to come to me, if you like - and I’ll find a way to make you smile again.
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Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. [He'll always be bad at sharing, but he can make an attempt.] But what about you? Who're you talking to when things get worse around here?
[He's not letting Kanesada out of this so easily, it seems.]
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Don't worry about me. There are four other swords here I can talk to, if I need to - and a few others, as well. A team works best when they can lean on each other when things get difficult, you know. It's the way of the Shinsengumi.
[ he's including junpei on that list, of course. ]
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[Try is the operative word here.]
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[ he smiles. the shinsengumi are, perhaps, predictable. ]
I know what’s worked best for me and my comrades in the past, that’s all. And all I can ask for is that you try.
[ he’ll dip his head into a slight bow. ]
Your efforts will not go unappreciated, Junpei.
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Thanks. I'll keep you posted on what works for me...if I ever find it.