Humans don't always know how to be human enough to help either. Sometimes when humans try to help they end up hurting other people even more. [Akane tried to help humanity and hurt Junpei in the process. Junpei tried to protect the one he loved the most and he killed Carlos. It's a pattern.]
Doing this, right now, is probably more helpful than you think. People grow from pain, I think, so even if we can't stop it it helps to be there.
It sucks not knowing what to do. [...] I didn't want to say some of the things I said today because I was afraid I'd hurt him, too. But you're his brother. Maybe he just needs someone to let him experience this in his own way.
[Or maybe he's just spouting nonsense and trying, but emotions are tricky.]
[higekiri knows this. he knows it all well. but he's not humans, and he's not people, and he's not sure what to do with what sits uncomfortably in his chest. it helps a little bit to talk, to get the words out there, and yet....]
... I heard that it is the sad moments that make us who we are.
[he wants to believe in that - even though it is his first time experiencing such a deep, aching, impossible sadness]
I know him better than anyone... but these feelings and bodies are still new to us. Even if I know what it is like for humans, to witness... it feels... [and the keyword really is feels] ... different.
[ . . . ]
You know -
I heard that the curse reached you - but I only found out today. It does not ache in the same way... but I wonder if there are still things that I ought to see better.
...when we got here, I told your brother something. Ask him if he remembers what I said about the Knowledge Argument, and how it applies to experience. You can know everything about everything, but can you really know and understand without experience?
[And speaking of experience...he looks a little unsure now. ] Who told you I was involved with that?
Mm... Night... claw. [there's actually a lore reason why higekiri won't refer to dick by name directly but] Kagachi confirmed it afterward, and told me to keep it a secret that he went to you in order to ask you to look after him.
[ . . . ]
I'm not unhappy because I wasn't aware - I don't think. This isn't a history that I know, so I can't be aware of everything.
Though... I already said that I wish I could've supported him through it - and I will tell you the same now.
[He's not entirely surprised that was the order of operations. But, to confirm:] I didn't tell Kagachi that I took the curse. Did Nightwing tell him instead, and then Kagachi told you?
[Awkward...] It was a big thing that we were trying to track and figure out how to share without attracting the demon's attention. And...then Prompto died, and yesterday was kind of a mess. We weren't intending to really keep it a secret.
Kagachi did mention that he asked you to look after him - there's presumably only one way to do that to lessen his suffering, isn't there? Have you been plagued since then...?
[he worry]
Mm... I imagined it was something like that. So I tried to calm my comrade from how unhappy he was. [he means kanesan] You all have your reasons, don't you?
He told me Dick was beating himself up and to try and help, so yeah. There was only one way to do this, and I took it from him. But I passed it on and we're fine. Seems like the person who had it last is still okay, too.
We all have reasons for what we do, Higekiri. I wish it hadn't come out this way, but the way that everything happened yesterday didn't help either.
If I may ask... who was it that possessed it last? [he tilts his head] Only because I would like to ensure that they're alright, if possible. If they didn't have any visible signs during trial...
[how did they handle it and is there a way for him to learn??]
Mm, I know. Each of you were being cautious - we weren't prepared for what happened. I am only working retroactively to discern what happened so I can pass the message on without any of you being in a position to relive your troubles again.
I don't hold it against any of you - I'd only like to help.
Last I knew, it was with Catra. But we don't know when it stops moving either, or if it returns to the host it left from or anything like that. That's the biggest question I have.
I know you want to help, but we want as few casualties as possible. It's...kind of hard to figure things out and still keep everyone safe. What else did Kagachi say? And have you talked to Nightwing yourself?
he pulls up his clamshell to actually try to figure out who he's referring to - ]
Mm, I see. I'm rather unfamiliar with her... but it is worth investigating. I will try to ask Chuuya the next time that I see him then.
I've spoken with them both - Nightfeather first, and then Kagachi. At the very least, Nightfeather has told me he will inform me should the demons find him again, so you will have help in supporting him... but I can't say if I received any new information, only that Monika was the source and Nika... something... was afflicted twice. I hope to see him when he is feeling less ailed.
Kagachi asked me a question on if I would feel comfortable keeping secrets from my brother.... I wonder what he might say to me one day.
Sure. If you think it'll help, then it's okay. [There's a nod. He'll let the sword do his thing.]
I think Nikkari wouldn't mind seeing you after this weekend. He could use our support...he didn't know any of this would happen. [Which sucks. Thanks Monika.]
...what was the answer? If you don't mind me asking.
[To the first though:] Hizamaru tells me a lot about you. He wants to be as carefree as you are, sometimes. ...but I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to show him that even you're worried sometimes.
Eh? Will you make me keep secrets from my brother as well...? ... Hmm, the answer was that I wouldn't understand why someone wouldn't want the both of us, when we work well together. It is not as though he would ever do anything to make me unhappy...
But it also would not be the first time that I have completed secret orders without his realization.
[because hige is prone to just going off and doing things by himself too]
... Mm. I know. I will find a way to express it to him soon, hopefully. When I am not adding to his worries.
I'm not making you do anything. If it's a secret that I can't tell one of you, I won't tell either of you until the time is right. But I don't think it'll come to that anytime soon.
[He doesn't point out that even though they're swords, there's a possibility they could also become a host for the demon someday.] I'll keep that in mind. Are you sure something like that would add to his worries? I'd think talking to him about your own problems would help him sort his, but I don't know how other people handle stuff like this. [A beat.] Carlos used to get on both of us to say what we needed to say while there was time to say it. It's not a terrible idea.
Then that's fine - I don't mind either way. Please use your judgment well, but don't hesitate to call on us if there's something else you desire.
[they're swords? They're meant to be used??]
Mm... I suppose that is true - but at the very least, for now... He is a very reliable younger brother. If I show weakness in a time like this, he may put aside his own pain in order to try to alleviate mine. I am very lucky that way - but I wonder if it would be fair.
[...he doesn't seem thrilled with that answer, tilting his head to think of what to say.]
I feel like you both have the same problem and are approaching it in the same way. Feeling things that are less than positive, hiding your own pain and smiling for each other. I get why, but does that really help anybody...?
[It's rich coming from him who's prone to keeping things to himself until he explodes, but maybe other people should handle their problems in healthier ways.]
[he admits that, because hige is pretty good at communicating when he thinks it's important - ]
But right now... I think only one of us should really focus on our pain at a time - and mine will disappear once my brother is in better spirits as well. It's the responsibility of the elder sibling to look after the younger... I think.
[...he's only met two sibling pairs, and both of them seem to reflect that. Aoi did everything and went along with Akane's plans to make sure she was saved, took on things early in their childhood to make sure she was happy. Light did the same for Clover.
He doesn't entirely get it because he doesn't have close family members like that, but he can apply it elsewhere.]
You're probably right. [He can agree to that.] But it's also the elder sibling's responsibility to look after themselves, too, even if they aren't sure how. So...don't forget that, too.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Humans don't always know how to be human enough to help either. Sometimes when humans try to help they end up hurting other people even more. [Akane tried to help humanity and hurt Junpei in the process. Junpei tried to protect the one he loved the most and he killed Carlos. It's a pattern.]
Doing this, right now, is probably more helpful than you think. People grow from pain, I think, so even if we can't stop it it helps to be there.
It sucks not knowing what to do. [...] I didn't want to say some of the things I said today because I was afraid I'd hurt him, too. But you're his brother. Maybe he just needs someone to let him experience this in his own way.
[Or maybe he's just spouting nonsense and trying, but emotions are tricky.]
no subject
... I heard that it is the sad moments that make us who we are.
[he wants to believe in that - even though it is his first time experiencing such a deep, aching, impossible sadness]
I know him better than anyone... but these feelings and bodies are still new to us. Even if I know what it is like for humans, to witness... it feels... [and the keyword really is feels] ... different.
[ . . . ]
You know -
I heard that the curse reached you - but I only found out today. It does not ache in the same way... but I wonder if there are still things that I ought to see better.
no subject
[And speaking of experience...he looks a little unsure now. ] Who told you I was involved with that?
no subject
[no, he's leaning toward maybe not -
regardless higekiri will just tilt his head]
Mm... Night... claw. [there's actually a lore reason why higekiri won't refer to dick by name directly but] Kagachi confirmed it afterward, and told me to keep it a secret that he went to you in order to ask you to look after him.
[ . . . ]
I'm not unhappy because I wasn't aware - I don't think. This isn't a history that I know, so I can't be aware of everything.
Though... I already said that I wish I could've supported him through it - and I will tell you the same now.
no subject
[Awkward...] It was a big thing that we were trying to track and figure out how to share without attracting the demon's attention. And...then Prompto died, and yesterday was kind of a mess. We weren't intending to really keep it a secret.
no subject
Kagachi did mention that he asked you to look after him - there's presumably only one way to do that to lessen his suffering, isn't there? Have you been plagued since then...?
[he worry]
Mm... I imagined it was something like that. So I tried to calm my comrade from how unhappy he was. [he means kanesan] You all have your reasons, don't you?
no subject
He told me Dick was beating himself up and to try and help, so yeah. There was only one way to do this, and I took it from him. But I passed it on and we're fine. Seems like the person who had it last is still okay, too.
We all have reasons for what we do, Higekiri. I wish it hadn't come out this way, but the way that everything happened yesterday didn't help either.
no subject
[how did they handle it and is there a way for him to learn??]
Mm, I know. Each of you were being cautious - we weren't prepared for what happened. I am only working retroactively to discern what happened so I can pass the message on without any of you being in a position to relive your troubles again.
I don't hold it against any of you - I'd only like to help.
no subject
I know you want to help, but we want as few casualties as possible. It's...kind of hard to figure things out and still keep everyone safe. What else did Kagachi say? And have you talked to Nightwing yourself?
no subject
he pulls up his clamshell to actually try to figure out who he's referring to - ]
Mm, I see. I'm rather unfamiliar with her... but it is worth investigating. I will try to ask Chuuya the next time that I see him then.
I've spoken with them both - Nightfeather first, and then Kagachi. At the very least, Nightfeather has told me he will inform me should the demons find him again, so you will have help in supporting him... but I can't say if I received any new information, only that Monika was the source and Nika... something... was afflicted twice. I hope to see him when he is feeling less ailed.
Kagachi asked me a question on if I would feel comfortable keeping secrets from my brother.... I wonder what he might say to me one day.
no subject
I think Nikkari wouldn't mind seeing you after this weekend. He could use our support...he didn't know any of this would happen. [Which sucks. Thanks Monika.]
...what do you mean by that, exactly?
no subject
[nikkari....... it starts to click a little in hige's head to remember his name]
Nothing important yet... only that he asked if I'm capable of keeping secrets from my brother, if the situation arose.
no subject
[To the first though:] Hizamaru tells me a lot about you. He wants to be as carefree as you are, sometimes. ...but I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to show him that even you're worried sometimes.
no subject
Eh? Will you make me keep secrets from my brother as well...? ... Hmm, the answer was that I wouldn't understand why someone wouldn't want the both of us, when we work well together. It is not as though he would ever do anything to make me unhappy...
But it also would not be the first time that I have completed secret orders without his realization.
[because hige is prone to just going off and doing things by himself too]
... Mm. I know. I will find a way to express it to him soon, hopefully. When I am not adding to his worries.
no subject
[He doesn't point out that even though they're swords, there's a possibility they could also become a host for the demon someday.] I'll keep that in mind. Are you sure something like that would add to his worries? I'd think talking to him about your own problems would help him sort his, but I don't know how other people handle stuff like this. [A beat.] Carlos used to get on both of us to say what we needed to say while there was time to say it. It's not a terrible idea.
no subject
Then that's fine - I don't mind either way. Please use your judgment well, but don't hesitate to call on us if there's something else you desire.
[they're swords? They're meant to be used??]
Mm... I suppose that is true - but at the very least, for now... He is a very reliable younger brother. If I show weakness in a time like this, he may put aside his own pain in order to try to alleviate mine. I am very lucky that way - but I wonder if it would be fair.
no subject
I feel like you both have the same problem and are approaching it in the same way. Feeling things that are less than positive, hiding your own pain and smiling for each other. I get why, but does that really help anybody...?
[It's rich coming from him who's prone to keeping things to himself until he explodes, but maybe other people should handle their problems in healthier ways.]
no subject
[he admits that, because hige is pretty good at communicating when he thinks it's important - ]
But right now... I think only one of us should really focus on our pain at a time - and mine will disappear once my brother is in better spirits as well. It's the responsibility of the elder sibling to look after the younger... I think.
no subject
He doesn't entirely get it because he doesn't have close family members like that, but he can apply it elsewhere.]
You're probably right. [He can agree to that.] But it's also the elder sibling's responsibility to look after themselves, too, even if they aren't sure how. So...don't forget that, too.
no subject
but regardless higekiri at least seems to smile - happy to be thought of]
... mm. I won't overdo it. You don't have to worry about me.
no subject
Good. That's all I can ask for. [He'll worry anyway.]
...should we take these back to Hizamaru now?