[ junpei... wherever the fuck he is, let's say the downstairs lounge, kanesan is looking for him. that was a rough trial, in so many ways, and he believes that junpei should not be alone right now.
and yet, when he speaks, his voice is almost gentle. ]
[As good a guess as any. He's hidden away but Kanesada finds him anyway which maybe isn't that surprising. He doesn't know what to do with the tone, but he looks up and inclines his head in a greeting.]
Hey. Doing okay? [Let's never talk about anything ever again.]
[ haha wow he's not in the mood to dance around it tonight. there is a thinly veiled anger in his voice, but it isn't directed at junpei, or anyone, really. ]
Right. We'll work harder to figure it out before we lose more innocent people. [It's sort of an echo of a thought, like he's not entirely connected even though he agrees. He sees Kanesada approaching but he doesn't move away.]
I'll be fine. [Sort of.] ...I think Dick and I are going to try and spend one more night with her before tomorrow. And then whatever happens...happens.
[ there's a frown, and he will absolutely invade junpei's personal space, careful not to touch. his hair is in a ponytail, at least, so that shouldn't be an issue, but. ]
You've said that the last few times. When are you going to be honest with yourself?
[ unfortunately kanesan isn't backing down. he stares at junpei thoughtfully for a moment, eyes narrowed, before drawing back to his full height. ]
I agree that we should prioritize the mission, but only being practical isn't any good. All the same, only focusing on how you feel won't help anyone. There is a balance that must be struck for one to be at their sharpest.
[ do you get what he's saying, junpei, or does he have to spell it out for you. ]
[...he does, which is why he just. Sighs heavily and rubs his eyes.]
...Carlos used to get on my case about not saying things, too. [Which is funny now that he thinks about it. He gets what Kanesada's saying, and it's why there's a moment he doesn't say anything at all.]
I feel like we failed her for letting this happen to her.
[ thank god. humans and swords are all bad at this emotions thing, but kanesan will always consider it a win when someone actually addresses how they're feeling. ]
I agree. We failed to uncover the whole story, even when she confessed to Aizawa attacking her. What we have now isn't the full story, and if the evidence disappears again, we won't be able to find it unless something ties in later.
[ his arms go to his hips. ]
So. How do you planning on dealing with this? With how you feel now, and what to do going forward?
That's why we should talk to people tonight while we can, and see if anything turns up. Likely it won't, but I'd rather try than waste a chance.
[But he frowns lightly.] I plan on dealing with it the way I deal with most things that happen to me. I keep going and use it to force me ahead. [Junpei's coping methods are fine.] This wasn't supposed to happen, and now they're toying with even more innocent lives. I'm not settling for this.
There is a human saying, I believe, that says the more one suffers, the stronger they become. While I can't know exactly what you've been through until now, I think you're quite strong already, Junpei. I admire your tenacity and your drive to keep moving forward, despite everything. However...
[ hachisuka's words to nagasone ring through his memory. the situation may be different, but... ]
We are allies, aren't we? I've already told you that I'll lend you my help, however I can.
[ his expression softens a bit then, betraying his concern. ]
I think I know it as "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." [There's a light smile.] But...thanks.
[He never quite knows what to do with compliments, so he focuses on the other portion of what Kanesada says.] We're allies and I know your help is mine to take, but...I don't really know how to take it.
[Which is the crux of the problem.] Everyone's losing friends now, or at least people we knew. I think if I think about it too much, I'm gonna screw up somewhere. That's the one thing I can't do here, so...it's easier to think about everything later.
Sometimes it's as simple as talking about what's upsetting you. We are allies - but if we don't talk about things like that, then how are we supposed to understand each other?
[ his hands drop to his sides, and he wanders a few steps away before turning back to junpei. what he's saying... well, it isn't necessarily something kanesan has heard before, but it lines up with his guess as to why certain swords back home act the way that they do. congratulations junpei, you are an honorary sword. ]
No one is perfect. Even the best warriors make mistakes on the battlefield, in the heat of the moment. It's what you do after that the matters the most. If you let that break you because you're afraid of acknowledging what you're feeling, then that doesn't help anyone, either.
I'm not breaking and I'm not planning to break, Izuminokami. [The words are sudden and clipped, even though he doesn't look too angry about the subject itself.] I don't think of today as a mistake but it's still wrong.
[He pauses then.] ...sorry. There've been a lot of conflicting messages today, I'm not sure what I really want to do right now.
[ - ah. he'll raise his hands in a gesture of surrender. ]
Sorry, sorry - I didn't mean to say that today was a mistake. Believe me when I say that I agree with you on that.
[ but he doesn't clarify further, not yet. lowering his arms, he does cant his head to the side, just a little. ]
That's why I came to check on you, though. We're in a difficult position moving forward, so it's hard to decide what to do or how to feel. But talking about it can help you figure that out.
...I think...[How to explain. Does he explain? It's such a first world sort of problem and not the worst problem to have in a game like this, but it's eating at him the longer he stews on it.] I've had so many people tell me that people on this ship look to me for guidance and as a leader or something because I've been right so much. And that because of that, I can't falter here or make bad decisions or hesitate at all.
But the longer we're here, the more we're going to get to know each other and the harder it'll be to convict each other. I don't have a problem doing what needs to be done at the end of the day. It's just a balance of doing what needs to be done and personal loyalties, especially if we have a case like today where someone isn't actually guilty.
[ hmmm. after a few more meandering steps, he'll nod. ]
You are a lot like him, just like I thought. [ but he's. not explaining that before moving on. ] I'll give you that people here do look to you as a leader. Whether it's a matter of you being right or just having the right attitude for it...
[ a shrug. ]
But if you ask me, even a leader needs someone they can speak to. Even the best will make a bad decision. Isn't it a little unreasonable to tell you to do everything right all the time and never take a moment to deal with how you feel about it? Just because you can bear the burden alone doesn't mean you should.
I can't tell you what to do, when it comes to finding that balance. But as long as you're doing what you think is right, and not what you think others are expecting of you, I think you'll do as well as anyone can, in the situation we're in.
[He almost asks "like who" but decides it's not worth it. If Izuminokami felt that a name was important, he'd give one. As it is, he frowns quietly because he knows he has a point.]
I always thought the philosophy was about "if you can, do" myself, but...I don't know. I haven't really had time to deal with most of what's happened over the last year so this place isn't unfamiliar. Figured I could deal later when it was over, but maybe it'll never be over.
...are you going to think differently of me if I don't know how to do that yet?
Mm... That often seems to be the case for humans, doesn't it? It never ends until your lives do, but then do you ever figure things out?
[ that might be a harsh way to put it, but as a sword, he doesn't have much more context than that. it's for that reason that he shrugs at junpei's question. ]
It would be a bit hypocritical for me to do that, wouldn't it? I may be a few centuries old, but I've only had a human body and the heart that comes with it for a few years. I couldn't claim to be an expert on how to handle it.
But that's how being human is, isn't it? [ this time, it's a genuine question. he'd like to know what the actual human thinks about such human things. ] You don't always know the right answer, but you do the best you can and figure it out as you go - it's kind of like a battle of its own.
Even those who've lived for decades as humans can't claim to be an expert because the human condition is always changing. [Just. Tiredly.] But that's how being human is. You're right. You spend your whole life deciding if the choices you've made are the correct ones and what can be done with them. Sometimes they're the wrong ones, or they're a path you have to fix.
I've never thought of living as a battle until recently, but...that's a good way to describe it.
The flow of battle is always changing. You can try to plan for every scenario, but that doesn’t mean it will work out. Sooner or later, you have to make it up as you go, even if nothing goes wrong - though something often does.
[ he smiles. ]
Whatever you choose to do, Junpei… If it makes your heart feel heavy, don’t suffer it by yourself. Even a leader needs to be supported, once in a while. You’re welcome to come to me, if you like - and I’ll find a way to make you smile again.
[That's...kind of sweet. He just gives off a half-smile because he's grateful even if uncertain.]
Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. [He'll always be bad at sharing, but he can make an attempt.] But what about you? Who're you talking to when things get worse around here?
[He's not letting Kanesada out of this so easily, it seems.]
[ he'll just brush that off with a wave of his hand. ]
Don't worry about me. There are four other swords here I can talk to, if I need to - and a few others, as well. A team works best when they can lean on each other when things get difficult, you know. It's the way of the Shinsengumi.
[ he's including junpei on that list, of course. ]
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week 2, saturday
and yet, when he speaks, his voice is almost gentle. ]
Junpei.
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Hey. Doing okay? [Let's never talk about anything ever again.]
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[ haha wow he's not in the mood to dance around it tonight. there is a thinly veiled anger in his voice, but it isn't directed at junpei, or anyone, really. ]
What happened tonight... That is not justice.
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[ he will step closer to junpei, just short of touching him. ]
How are you holding up, after the trial? What are you going to do?
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I'll be fine. [Sort of.] ...I think Dick and I are going to try and spend one more night with her before tomorrow. And then whatever happens...happens.
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You've said that the last few times. When are you going to be honest with yourself?
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I'm. What? I am being honest. We don't really have another choice, do we? What is not being fine about something going to do to get us out of here?
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I agree that we should prioritize the mission, but only being practical isn't any good. All the same, only focusing on how you feel won't help anyone. There is a balance that must be struck for one to be at their sharpest.
[ do you get what he's saying, junpei, or does he have to spell it out for you. ]
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...Carlos used to get on my case about not saying things, too. [Which is funny now that he thinks about it. He gets what Kanesada's saying, and it's why there's a moment he doesn't say anything at all.]
I feel like we failed her for letting this happen to her.
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I agree. We failed to uncover the whole story, even when she confessed to Aizawa attacking her. What we have now isn't the full story, and if the evidence disappears again, we won't be able to find it unless something ties in later.
[ his arms go to his hips. ]
So. How do you planning on dealing with this? With how you feel now, and what to do going forward?
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[But he frowns lightly.] I plan on dealing with it the way I deal with most things that happen to me. I keep going and use it to force me ahead. [Junpei's coping methods are fine.] This wasn't supposed to happen, and now they're toying with even more innocent lives. I'm not settling for this.
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There is a human saying, I believe, that says the more one suffers, the stronger they become. While I can't know exactly what you've been through until now, I think you're quite strong already, Junpei. I admire your tenacity and your drive to keep moving forward, despite everything. However...
[ hachisuka's words to nagasone ring through his memory. the situation may be different, but... ]
We are allies, aren't we? I've already told you that I'll lend you my help, however I can.
[ his expression softens a bit then, betraying his concern. ]
You don't have to suffer alone.
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[He never quite knows what to do with compliments, so he focuses on the other portion of what Kanesada says.] We're allies and I know your help is mine to take, but...I don't really know how to take it.
[Which is the crux of the problem.] Everyone's losing friends now, or at least people we knew. I think if I think about it too much, I'm gonna screw up somewhere. That's the one thing I can't do here, so...it's easier to think about everything later.
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[ his hands drop to his sides, and he wanders a few steps away before turning back to junpei. what he's saying... well, it isn't necessarily something kanesan has heard before, but it lines up with his guess as to why certain swords back home act the way that they do. congratulations junpei, you are an honorary sword. ]
No one is perfect. Even the best warriors make mistakes on the battlefield, in the heat of the moment. It's what you do after that the matters the most. If you let that break you because you're afraid of acknowledging what you're feeling, then that doesn't help anyone, either.
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[He pauses then.] ...sorry. There've been a lot of conflicting messages today, I'm not sure what I really want to do right now.
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Sorry, sorry - I didn't mean to say that today was a mistake. Believe me when I say that I agree with you on that.
[ but he doesn't clarify further, not yet. lowering his arms, he does cant his head to the side, just a little. ]
That's why I came to check on you, though. We're in a difficult position moving forward, so it's hard to decide what to do or how to feel. But talking about it can help you figure that out.
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But the longer we're here, the more we're going to get to know each other and the harder it'll be to convict each other. I don't have a problem doing what needs to be done at the end of the day. It's just a balance of doing what needs to be done and personal loyalties, especially if we have a case like today where someone isn't actually guilty.
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You are a lot like him, just like I thought. [ but he's. not explaining that before moving on. ] I'll give you that people here do look to you as a leader. Whether it's a matter of you being right or just having the right attitude for it...
[ a shrug. ]
But if you ask me, even a leader needs someone they can speak to. Even the best will make a bad decision. Isn't it a little unreasonable to tell you to do everything right all the time and never take a moment to deal with how you feel about it? Just because you can bear the burden alone doesn't mean you should.
I can't tell you what to do, when it comes to finding that balance. But as long as you're doing what you think is right, and not what you think others are expecting of you, I think you'll do as well as anyone can, in the situation we're in.
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I always thought the philosophy was about "if you can, do" myself, but...I don't know. I haven't really had time to deal with most of what's happened over the last year so this place isn't unfamiliar. Figured I could deal later when it was over, but maybe it'll never be over.
...are you going to think differently of me if I don't know how to do that yet?
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[ that might be a harsh way to put it, but as a sword, he doesn't have much more context than that. it's for that reason that he shrugs at junpei's question. ]
It would be a bit hypocritical for me to do that, wouldn't it? I may be a few centuries old, but I've only had a human body and the heart that comes with it for a few years. I couldn't claim to be an expert on how to handle it.
But that's how being human is, isn't it? [ this time, it's a genuine question. he'd like to know what the actual human thinks about such human things. ] You don't always know the right answer, but you do the best you can and figure it out as you go - it's kind of like a battle of its own.
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I've never thought of living as a battle until recently, but...that's a good way to describe it.
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[ he smiles. ]
Whatever you choose to do, Junpei… If it makes your heart feel heavy, don’t suffer it by yourself. Even a leader needs to be supported, once in a while. You’re welcome to come to me, if you like - and I’ll find a way to make you smile again.
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Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. [He'll always be bad at sharing, but he can make an attempt.] But what about you? Who're you talking to when things get worse around here?
[He's not letting Kanesada out of this so easily, it seems.]
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Don't worry about me. There are four other swords here I can talk to, if I need to - and a few others, as well. A team works best when they can lean on each other when things get difficult, you know. It's the way of the Shinsengumi.
[ he's including junpei on that list, of course. ]
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